Hi.
Ich habe mit einer Rohübersetzung meines schon veröffentlichten Fantasy-Romans begonnen. Gibt es in der nachstehenden Passage, dem Anfang des 1. Kapitels, irgendwelche sprachlichen Fehler? (Die Ich-Figur ist eine 18jährige Amerikanerin)
- Just as I think that I´m not up to the task, the goddam gong sounds. So I keep lying naked on the table. My lower legs hang down from the edge, my head rests on a pillow, and my arms are stretched at right angles. My hands hold candelabras with black burning candles. Between my thighs stands a silvery chalice filled with wine.
In front of me a priest has taken up position. In the shadow of his cowl his eyes look as gloomy as the dark side of the moon.
In a few minutes he´ll fuck me.
For some good cause, naturally.
More precisely: for some bad cause.
Still more precisely: for some bloody cause I don´t suss.
Steve, a goth belonging to the six habit freaks standing in a semi-circle behind the priest, had persuaded me to play the ´altar´ three days ago.
„That´s but a great job“, he argued, „for an exhibitionist like you.“
„Fuck yourself.“ I faked consideration. The moron was right, of course. „Okey-dokey. Count me in.“
Apart from the group stands a young woman in a nun habit whose role is unclear. Aside her a guy swivels an incense vessel with the smell of mouldered centuries.
Pathetically the priest shouts: „Illuminator, we beseech your blessing!“
The nun comes nearer. One of the monks brings a pot and places it behind her on the floor. She lifts her garment. I see her naked bottom, then only her head when she crouches over the pot and splashes into it. She gets up again and goes back to her place.
From a pocket of his habit the priest pulls a rod, dips it into the pot and shakes it in all four directions, shouting:
„Send out the heralds of ecstatic pleasure and let come true my desires!“
That´s the moment when I notice that something is wrong here - something that hasn´t anything to do with the freak show.
My physical feeling changes…
I´m weigthlessly floating in space…
The world is a matrix of light and sound…
But only for one moment.
Then I fall back to Earth, agitated like a thundercloud. My skin seems electrified. I see every contour as clear as if someone had strapped a microscope before my eyes. I count every tiny hair of the priestly three-day stubble and watch the urine drops slowly flying through the air and reflecting the lights of the candles.
Then my sight normalizes.
+++
Chan