Hilfe bei einer Email auf Englisch

Ich hoffe das jemand so nett ist und mir bei der Email helfen kann, ich hätte gerne etwas (am besten konstruktive) kritik
Ich bedanke mich schon mal im vorraus!
Die unterstriche können komplett ignoriert werden.

To: [email protected]
Cc: Subject: Could we meet?
Dear Michael Jackson,
At first I’ll tell you that I and my friend Bob are Fans of you. We like your music and
we also like your dances.

I like to tell you about Bob. He is a 17 years old guy who love your music aside from
that his birthday equals the date were you give a concert in Hamburg. So would like
to let you know that this is his 18th birthday but my main question is could we meet
you at your concert? Before or after is not important but I think if we could meet you
than he will be very happy about this and me of course to. In fact I plan to give him
this meeting as a birthday present and it will be a present for me too. If you agree
with that than please send me an E-Mail.
Finally I hope that you will agree and we could meet in Hamburg.
Hans-Peter Wurst

Für den Anfang:

I like to tell you about Bob. He is a 17 years old guy who

I’d like to tell you about Bob.

love your music aside from

loves

that his birthday equals the date were you give a concert in
Hamburg.

whose birthday ist on the same date as your concert in.[Stadt einfügen].

So would like

So I/we would like

but my main

Therefore I wonder whether we could meet at the concert.

Vielen Dank

At first I’ll tell you that I and my friend Bob are Fans of you.
==>
…my friend Bob and I are fans of yours.